first_seventhe is not a Friends-Only journal; however, it is a Somewhat-Friends-Locked journal. I don't have any kind of "friending policy" - if you're here, you're free to comment on anything. If you can see an entry, it's free game. Here's how it usually breaks down:
- Unlocked - Fandom stuff; open entries about writing, art, photography, etc; general bitching; healthblogging and workout stuff in general; memes and photomemes
- Locked - More personal entries; healthblogging / workout stuff with specifics about me; anything that mentions other people not represented on LJ; entries about work or grad school; anything posted during the day (from work) with naughty language in it
- Filtered and locked - Personal entries with life details. I do have a set of filters based on how well I know someone. Don't be offended if you're not on one. Get to know me better.
I'm a friendly person. I like to communicate with people. On this particular LJ I come across like a hobo on speed, but underneath it all I'd like to think I'm keeping a fair bit of intelligence and life experience. I spend all day being smart and intelligible. I don't need to prove anything on my effing Livejournal.
Yes, I am in fandom. Yes, I write fanfiction. I'm old enough that I don't really feel like I have to hide that fact, or even justify it in any way. I'm not exactly trying to sit at the "cool table" any more (as a professional chemical engineer and a part-time graduate student in polymer science, I think they've already revoked my "cool table" license anyway). If the fandom parts bother you in some way, feel free to ignore, or de-friend, or leave me a comment to take you off of X or Y filter. However, if you're here from fandom, feel free to comment on non-fandom-related stuff if you want! Like I said: if you can see it, it's fair game.
I do love random friendings and random stalkers. If you friend me, I'll probably friend you back. If we end up not interacting much, I always reserve the right to take you off certain lists -- my F-List is mainly for my own reading purposes and shouldn't be used to gauge how much I like someone. I like lots of people! Everywhere! Except when I don't, because people suck.
If you're here because you've Googled my real name and followed the internet trail through my website to this journal, leave me a goddamn comment (on this entry) and let me know. Stalkers freak me out.
Thought the first:
The results clearly show that white Americans hate the government more than they hate racism and sexism.
We see that they hate the system enough that relevant experience becomes a negative and lack of experience a positive; that they want change, regardless of what it is, more than they want to embrace and protect their brothers and sisters who are Black, Hispanic, gay, female, chronically ill.
When framed in this way I find myself beginning to find something that I can... understand isn't the exact word I want, because I do not (and will never) understand why anyone finds that man to be a suitable and respectable face of the United States, but it's a framework I can, at least, process. I was a research scientist in an old life; I need to understand some form of why before I can really begin*.
Thought the second:
The new President is not necessarily the scariest piece on this new chessboard (which is surprising in itself). The Vice President is equally terrifying in his horrible, backwards, compassion-less approach to women, to LGBTQ+, to foreigners. But the scariest thing of all is that a full half of our nation either follows this awful rhetoric or found it unoffensive enough to make a vote for non-traditional government a net win. The scariest thing of all is the possibility that 50% of the people I interact with either consider me through a set of sexist, racist**, homophobic filters, or care so little about my sex & gender, my race, and my queerness that they consider me - my friends, my family - an acceptable side-product loss in the all-important act of, basically, giving the government a middle finger.
Thought the third:
It is true that we don't know what the 45th Presidency will be like. It is possible that the situation will be less dire than people expect. But how true? How possible?
Actions speak louder than words, and the actions we have seen at rallies have been (socially, mentally, physically) brutal - and the actions of the P & VP have been to condone these actions rather than shame them; to encourage them, to laugh at them, to cheer them, rather than to denounce and disable them.
I refuse to give the "benefit of the doubt" to a set of people whose visible actions in the last 12+ months have been deplorable. Words and speeches mean nothing compared to actual data.
Thought the fourth:
There are calls to be kind, to attempt understanding and teamwork, and I would correct that phrasing somewhat myself: we need to be kind, yes, but we need to not let calm turn into complacency. We need to be a hard kind, a strong kind; we need our goodwill to have teeth. Working together is the only way we can move out of this, yes; but I see no real reason to be "kind" to someone promoting agendas of racism, of sexism, of assault on woman-bodies and conversion camps for the LGBTQetc.
We need to avoid descending to the low level of the very thing we are fighting, yes, but I do not truly think you can kill hate entirely with only kindness and love. I also - less, or maybe more, importantly - do not think myself capable of showing true kindness to someone whose actions and beliefs condemn myself and my friends to danger and to a lesser-than status.
Thought the final:
I still feel like this is a world that doesn't exist; like this didn't happen, like it couldn't have happened. Possibly because I watched it unfold while in the airport in another country, on another continent, through the tiny pocket-size screen of my smartphone -- but also partly because, I fear, I still had a piece of faith left in (white) humanity.
* begin here meaning the process of sorting through my own feelings and determining the path i want to take
** "racist" does not actually apply to me here, as I am white AF, but I needed to recognize it in this sentence
I spent today noticing how I spend my energy and, notably, what drains me. And, not surprisingly, - lot of what drains me is human interaction. HA HA HA,IM IN MIDDLE/UPPER MANAGEMENT AND DEALING WITH PEOPLE MAKES ME TIRED, isn't it ironic.
So what I'm trying to do is differentiate which interactions I can't avoid, and which ones I could try better to delegate to other people. What I've learned so far:
people coming to my door every 5 minutes when I'm clearly working on something and either asking me questions or giving me updates -- sadly that's part of the job, although I can try to get ppl not in my department better trained so they're not always asking me questions and/or asking my department to consider whether I really need to be updated -- but a certain part of this is inherent in the job and will never go away.
visitors, vendor meetings, or other forced interpersonal interactions overtaking the usual workday -- there really is a small portion of this that's required. However. I could work to develop my engineering staff so that they could be the contact point for, say, people who visit from the plants to work on a project. Which leads me to:
working intensely on something with other people -- this is actually the serial killer of my energy. So, this week we had a visitor from the plants to help us re-develop our MOC process and move to new software. She's incredibly knowledgeable and the whole three day visit was entirely amazingly productive. However, this sort of intense interpersonal work for hours at a time is an incredible drain on my reserves and accounts for a lot of the overcharging to my energy credit card. I put my brain into a very highly-functional state and generate incredible amounts of work, looking at big picture as well as small details - the forest and the trees - and I also watch the people I'm working with to figure out what their weaknesses are so that I know we're covering everything we need to. I'm always the one recording because I know for a fact I take the kind of notes we need to capture everything, and then I'm the one compiling what our results were and what conclusions we're going forward with. This constant, intense operation of my super smart*, psychasthenic brain leads to mental exhaustion, which translates into sapping my physical energy just to get through the day, which triggers the fibro feedback as well as the brain fog.
So -- I'm still collecting the data I need, but I'm trying to think of ways I can lessen the amount of my work time spent doing things like that. Technically managers should be leading and directing rather than doing the intense work -- not that I want to avoid doing it, but it's that kind of work ON TOP OF managerial responsibilities that's incompatible. So I obviously need a crew I can trust to do the same level of thinking. I do, so that they can conduct these development-type work meetings on their own and I just review final results.
But that's a lot to implement and I have to figure out other ways to reduce that kind of intensity -- so more thinking.
Also, this is just the first mental evaluation; I'm sure there are more serial killers to identify.
- not being arrogant -- I'm highly intelligent in many of the areas in which I work
It's very hard to be me today because I'm wondering why I can never get anything done, why I collapse after work with such pain and fatigue that I can barely move, what's so much harder abut my job or my health that I can't do the shit other people can, apparently I am having a huge confidence crisis where I think I'm just a weakling who can't do the shit she should be able to do; I'm not disabled, I'm not ill, my jobs not that hard, I just kind of suck
Weeks ago a friend asked me to review his resume. It's still in my inbox. My mum asked me to read her novel and make comments. Halfway done. Another friend asked me to read her novel and make comments. Haven't started. Today a friend asked me to review their resume within a day or two.
How do people find the energy to be actual friends
I'm deleting this entire entry
This entry was originally posted at http://seventhe.dreamwidth.org/388064.ht
Again - who knows how Imzy will kick off and fit in to the current fandom distribution, but. Hey join if you want and let's have some fun. I miss FF fandom and writing prompts and the community feel.
This entry was originally posted at http://seventhe.dreamwidth.org/387628.ht
This entry was originally posted at http://seventhe.dreamwidth.org/387392.ht
- Have crippling stress, anxiety, and/or depression
- Obtain cheap raspberries at the farmer's market because they're "the bitty, crumbly ones no one wants"
- Depression nap for 3 hours
- stress bake
Preheat your oven to 350F
Combine in one bowl and whisk together:
1c whole wheat flour
1/2 c white sugar
1/2 c brown sugar, packed
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
a good shake of cinnamon
Combine in a second bowl and whisk together:
1/2 c coconut-almond milk
1/2 c vanilla greek yogurt (no fat)
1/2 c canola oil
splash of vanilla
And gently fold in
This will make
And said muffins are
For those who care:
This entry was originally posted at http://seventhe.dreamwidth.org/386989.ht
push you until you break;
i expect you to hold my weight,
to carry as much as i do
(if not more)
i am no safety net. i make
no assumptions about you, give
no benefit of the doubt:
there is no room for error.
i will not step in when
you fumble, confused, lacking
not just skills but a basic
understanding. i will push
to find that breaking point;
too many i know
fight for these skills,
hone them sharp as knives,
for me to hand you
anything more than rope
This entry was originally posted at http://seventhe.dreamwidth.org/386710.ht
- I make amazing money for my age and I should take advantage of that
- I am in a good position: owning a house already, partnered but legally single, no dependents
- I need my goddamn health insurance so cannot quit
- I don't completely loathe what I do yet (it's more like a bipolar disorder relationship).
- live well but frugally for the next 15 years
- enjoy the shit out of the next 15 years well but responsibly
- take good care of self and health
- pay off house
- save well
- retire at 50.
- become actual hermit
- spend rest of life writing and giving the world the middle finger
- become millionaire
- replace body with wheels
15 more years at my job gives me the new plant I want - covers everything from engineering to actually flipping the switch to development projects - as well as turnover to build a dynasty (not that I am arrogant BUT I AM but really it's to protect the years invested in the place): I'd literally hit the peak of my career then leave. and, if I work it right, lots of company buffing of my 401k.
50 will be a bit old on my poor broken body, but it's still an age you can do most things: travel, hobbies, open a bar with your friends, etc
The counter-thought is "take your break now" but I'm not in any kind of position health-wise to do so: need insurance, so need (a) job; this job has good/decent insurance; not good at traveling right now; too much house debt to really call off the paychecks. Trust me, it's tempting to toss everything and run to the woods, but it isn't a good place.
But working towards something makes the working seem slightly more palatable
1^0 edit I FORGOT TO MENTION what I want to do with my millions: I want to be a patron of the arts and sciences.
One of the things that sticks out in my memory from my Germany trip - touring an old palace - it's so weird that this was significant - but I was doing the headphones tour of Queen Sophie's palace and there was so much discussion about how royalty and the well-off were patrons -- of arts, sciences, literature, voyages, anything they wanted. It is this weird mindset - and ok I know that historical context etc life was NOT A MAGICAL BETTER BACK IN THAT CENTURY - but in our evolution to what we are now we have really and truly lost that spirit? Rich people don't go and support artists they personally think are cool anymore, or host salons for neat artists to get together, or sponsor someone to write a symphony or a novel, and --- there's something about that concept that really appeals to me.
So after my job and my novels and my millions, I plan to become a patron of the arts and sciences. If you can wait 15 years, you all get first dibs.
2^0 edit im not even drunk guys, seriouslyThis entry was originally posted at http://seventhe.dreamwidth.org/385892.ht